Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
