If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
