The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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