Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i think i have two assholes
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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