Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
