there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
