I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
