so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
