I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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