He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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