i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
