Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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