Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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