Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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