I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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