My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
