I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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