i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
