I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
