I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
