At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
