I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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