Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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