Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
