New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
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I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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