Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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