Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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