i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
