so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
