i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
