do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
