oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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