White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
MIDGETS
????
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
