why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
