I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
