Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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