I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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