These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
