I accidentally had phone sex last night
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
