Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
