i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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