Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Of course I have a pirate flag
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
