Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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