Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
