I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
