I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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