i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
