I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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