I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
