I've blown a few things in my day
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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