I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
