Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
