Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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