Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
