I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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